Colleen-Joy Page – Soul Lessons
Lesson on ‘In Search of the One?’
The year comes to a close and so I thought why not send you something quite different for a change?
This month’s lesson is more lofty and ZEN-like.
Here are some beautiful and lofty thoughts written into a story. Sometimes truth is best delivered in this way.
Though its rather zen-like, probably because I wrote this in 1999 during a deep meditation, it’s still very relevant, today. See if you can “connect” to its subtle and nebulous teachings. Please enjoy.
In search of the One
by Colleen-Joy Page
A wise teacher sat on a hillside and was asked, “Teacher please tell me, who am I?”
And so she answered,
“The ultimate pursuit, is to pursue the ‘Who Am I?
‘Who Am I?’ This is the cry that we hear so far away. ‘Who Am I?’
And it is in the crying that the searching begins. And when the searching begins we who can see deeper celebrate because at least there is asking. At least one is prepared to look. But then when one actually begins to see, that is the beginning of the real quest, that when we find delight in seeing you learn to see. Because you never expect to find that all you are doing is returning to the original concept of I, nothing new, nothing new at all! Only an original concept of I, that is all. I will try to explain…
So who am I?
‘I’, is a singular, I is one. And does not One contain All? Does not one express the all of oneness? It is only when we are thinking we are two that we are missing the I. It is only when we move from 1 to 2 that we miss the I, that we forget the one. So do not think in 2’s. 2’s are there for your experience, for your learning, for relatedness and relationship, for comparison and duality, for your understanding, for your mirrors. And then there is 3 – and perhaps the 3 reminds you of the 1, because it is in a state of movement and motion and harmony. And perhaps the 4 reminds you of the 1, because the 4 is saying, “Where am I again”? I go to this corner of the 4 square, to that corner to the next, to the next, where am I again? So the 4 challenges us. The 4 challenges us to find the center again, and again and again. And maybe the 5 reminds us again of the I, because when the 4 looks to the center, it finds 1 again. So you see, in your many multiple expressions of the 1, you ultimately are looking, and searching for the I. And you go from 1 to 2, to 3 to 4 to 5 to 6 to 7 to 8 to 9 and then you return to the 1 anew. There lies completion.
And then you add a zero to the 1 – you add the experience of nothingness, of emptiness, of the void and you realize that that is where the 1 comes from in the first place. And then you begin again to experience the 2, the 3, the 4, the 5, the 6, the 7, the 8, the 9 to return again, with just a little bit more of you. With just a little bit less of the baggage and hopefully, through the experience, you have gained a new appreciation for what you had in the first place! Hopefully. If not you will have the opportunity again when you go through the 1, through the 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 and 9. Yes, even numbers can express the concept of individuality.
And who am I? If I am individual, and you are individual, and every other person is an expression of an I, how be it that we are 1? How be it? And do we ever lose the I, you ask? Ah, there is the question. There is the fear of the ego. That is why the ego holds on fighting and kicking and screaming, so terrified that it will lose the I. That it will die and will become a part of the all again and in the becoming a part of the all again, it will lose its I’ness. It will lose its sense of Self. That is the secret fear that belongs to each and every one of you. You falsely believe that by becoming one you die. This fear is only born of your fear of death’s unknown blackness. But when death become light, death is not an end but a stepping into more of you. But still the fear of losing the I exists in the ego self. And yet ironically, everyone is so interested in forgetting who they truly are by pretending to be what others want them to be, and they lose their true I in the process. And they replace the true I with the false I. And the false I is dictated to by every other, by social conditioning. The true I then is lost, is sacrificed, is hidden, is buried treasure, is the Holy Grail. Yes. And yet it is always there, just waiting, just waiting, sparkling, shining, waiting for us to turn around and look. And to turn around, is actually to turn within and to question the I.
So who am I and how did I get to become that I? How did I get to become the I that I am today? And when I question the I that I have become today, and when I long for and yearn for the I that my heart remembers, that is when the quest begins, to find your true Self – buried treasure, the Holy Grail. And what joy it is, and what magic it is to begin that journey. And you know what, that is why you are doing this, this incarnating. You are doing this for the Quest. The Warrior spirit that decided it wanted to know what it would be like to go out into the world, to discover the most important treasure of all and the treasure that was sought was there from the beginning. So how do you start a quest when you already have what you are wishing to seek for? You forget, you forget who you are. On purpose, in order to rediscover purpose. In order to re-identify with who you are in the first place.
So you forget. You close your eyes, your I’s, you close your I. You bury it like a child who wants to play a game. You bury it in fun and unusual places. You bury it in the game, in the story. That is where you bury it. So you bury it in the garden, you bury it in your partner, in your work, in your story, you bury it in the Universe. And then you say, ‘on your marks, get set go…’ And you go out into physical life looking for who you are. You go out into the world searching for that something that you know you lost, but you’ve forgotten what it is that you have lost.
Do you know what it is like to forget something and yet, you know that you’ve forgotten it? You can’t remember what it is that you have forgotten, but you know that you have forgotten it. This is the same. It is the same in living. You live this life, you go into the world and then what happens? What happens? You remember that you have forgotten something. You go ‘ooh, I think that I have forgotten something, I don’t know what it is that I have forgotten but I know in my heart that I have forgotten and it causes me PAIN to know that there is something that I am searching for.’
So you go, and you experience a relationship. And you know what? In the relationship you discover a little bit about who you are, and therefore a part of the treasure is found. And then you know what? You go into the career, and you find a little part of yourself in your career and you have found a little piece again of who you are and more of the treasure is found. Yay, this is exiting! And then you know what? You go into your pain, you go into your crisis and your tragedy. And you know what? You find big chunks of who you are. Yes, in the pain, that is where the most treasure lies. In the pain. Because ultimately we find what we were setting out for in the first place, we find that which we were looking for in the beginning. We find ourselves.
Thank you for this opportunity to share. Blessing to all on your pursuit. May you sip gentle sips from the Holy Grail, until you become the Grail. Until you realize that everything, in the entire universe is there for you to find yourself. And this is my deepest wish for you, dear friends who have gotten lost in the game. Somewhere along the line the treasure maps were burnt. Somewhere along the line you forgot what you were doing here.
And blessed are the treasure map-makers, and the treasure map-reminders, may they remind you, may they wake you up. Just whisper to you once, ‘Go searching, go searching for who you are’. And when you find it rejoice, for you will never lose the I. Losing the I is a lie, that is a lie fortified and created by the ego and by fear. You will never lose the I, you come nearest to losing the I in fearing losing the I. The truth is you cannot loose it, it is eternal and it belongs to everything. It exists everywhere. So be it, so it is… ”
And the wise woman stepped off the mountain and went home to cook dinner for her children .
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