Letter to my mom – Always on my mind


Dear Mom
The last time I spoke to you was around this time last year.
What a shock I got when I received the text message days later from your friend telling me you were in hospital.
Realising the seriousness of your condition, I rushed to be by your bedside and could only get there on the Friday because you were so far away in South Africa.
When I saw you lying in the hospital bed you looked so small and vulnerable, it broke my heart. I am not sure you even knew that it was me there, I will assume you did.
I found it very hard looking at you but I came to see you every day.
Sadly we were there only for one week when you passed away.
I wish I could have made you better. I really do.
With all the other pain going on in my life at that time it was hard for me to feel the pain I felt when you passed away but just this week the pain of your loss has been very intense. Very difficult.
Some days I go to pick up the phone to call you then realise you are no longer here.
It seems sad today because I would love to be able to talk to you.
Life is hard some days and others are great.
I think I took for granted that you were always on the other end of the phone and I could call you anytime and talk to you about how I was feeling.
I do miss you so much, more today than ever before.
Some days seem so empty knowing you are not here.
We bought a new house and it is lovely, you would love it. In the country and rural, I know you would have approved.
I sit and remember little things you would say and do, some not always welcome but as a mom they needed to be said.
You were different to me in so many ways, I know you did not know how to show feelings to me but in your own special way, you were there for me on the other end of the phone.
I miss you so much today, more than ever
I know one day that we will be together.
Some things are hard to explain to anyone else, things you really only want to discuss with your mother.
I remember when I had the kids, you were the only person I wanted to see after they were just born.
I know our relationship has not the perfect mother daughter relationship and I yearned for you to be maternal and loving to me over the years but you did show me you loved me in your own way.
A few months before you passed away you seemed to be happier than ever before, you spoke kindly of dad and did not say the usual negative nasty things that would upset me so much over the years. Looking back I think it was maybe you finding your serenity. I know you loved the Lord and were a devoted christian when you passed away. I know you always tried to convert me but I have my own sense of religion and spirituality that works for me and you knew that too. I know you are in a better place and you are happy now, I feel it. I do feel your presence and even smell you perfume.
We are all trying hard to get on with our life after all the hardships of the past 18 months.
Your granddaughter graduated this week so that is both your grandchildren graduated now. I also obtained the diploma I told you about in Health and Social Care. I hope you are proud that I have done some things right.

Mom I miss you so much today, sometimes I find it hard to put into words what I want to say.
When I think of the wise words you have said to me, I will always remember this one saying “Nicola, always remember to remain like a lady at all times”. hehe I will try and remember that.

Thank you for being my mother and thank you for all the sacrifices you have made for me over the years. They are appreciated.
I hope you are in a better place now and find the peace you deserve.
x nicola

copyright NJTurner 2014

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