Emotional Maturity

EMOTIONAL MATURITY
The mature person has developed attitudes in relation to himself and his environment which have lifted him above “childishness” in thought and behavior.

Some of the characteristics of the person who has achieved true adulthood are suggested here:

1. He accepts criticism gratefully, being honestly glad for an opportunity to improve.

2. He does not indulge in self-pity. He has begun to feel the laws of compensation operating in all life.

3. He does not expect special consideration from anyone.

4. He controls his temper.

5. He meets emergencies with poise.

6. His feelings are not easily hurt.

7. He accepts the responsibility of his own actions without trying to “alibi.”

8. He has outgrown the “all or nothing” stage. He recognizes that no person or situation is wholly good or wholly bad, and he begins to appreciate the Golden Mean.

9. He is not impatient at reasonable delays. He has learned that he is not the arbiter of the universe and that he must often adjust himself to other people and their convenience.

10. He is a good loser. He can endure defeat and disappointment without whining or complaining.

11. He does not worry about things he cannot help.

12. He is not given to boasting or “showing off” in socially unacceptable ways.

13. He is honestly glad when others enjoy success or good fortune. He has outgrown envy and jealousy.

14. He is open-minded enough to listen thoughtfully to the opinions of others.

15. He is not a chronic “fault-finder.”

16. He plans things in advance rather than trusting to the inspiration of the moment.

Importance of forgiveness

Forgiveness- An Important Part of the Healing Process
By: Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC

Forgiveness is an extremely scary process for many. Oftentimes people don’t know how to do it, nor do they realize the powerful healing that can come as a result of it. Here are some things to remember when entering into forgiveness.

Forgiveness is a process. It is about you letting go of the wound someone has inflicted on you. This might not be something you do only one time about a specific wound. You may need to do it multiple times and every time you feel the pain of the wound. The process may include you getting out your pain and anger in a healthy way, such as writing this person a letter saying everything you wish you could say to them and don’t send it. Letting go of the pain gives you freedom and the ability to genuinely wish the person who hurt you well.
It is for you not them. Remember that you do not forgive someone so they can feel better. You forgive someone so you can feel better. When you forgive, you are making a choice to start feeling better; thus, not forgiving is choosing to not feel better. I heard someone say once that, “Not forgiving is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die.”
The alternative to forgiveness is resentment. Resentment can be very ugly. It is toxic when you carry it around inside and it grows into something usually more painful than the original wound itself. Be careful of this. Resentment is a relationship killer!
Forgiving someone is giving up hope you can change the past. It often means coming to a place of acceptance that the pain happened and it was hurtful. Forgiving takes you out of your denial.
You don’t have to wait for them to say I’m sorry to forgive. Many people think that they have to be “asked for forgiveness” to receive it. The reality is you may never hear “I’m sorry” from someone who hurt you. They may never see that they did anything wrong, let alone ask for forgiveness. Waiting for them to make the first move will many times cause you to stay stuck and not get past the pain of the wound.
Forgiving is recognizing someone’s humanness. We are all human which makes us imperfect and capable of hurting other people. Just because someone hurts people doesn’t mean it was intentional. Recognizing someone’s humanness doesn’t make it ok that they hurt you, but it can help you accept that pain is a hard part of relationships and caring about people.
Forgiving someone is not saying you are ok with what they did. Many people worry that forgiving someone sends the message that they are condoning a person’s behavior. It is not about making a moral judgment, but about you being free from holding onto the pain. They will suffer natural consequences for their actions. It is not necessary for you to be the “punisher” of their actions.
Forgiving someone does not mean you have to be friends with them. Some people are not emotionally safe for you to be around. Forgiving them does not mean you have to let them back into your world.

Self Pity (2) by Mitzi Chandler

The world goes up
and the world goes down
and the sunshine follows the rain
and yesterday’s sneer and
yesterday’s frown
can never come over again
Charles Kingsley

The best way to ruin a brand new day is to
stumble towards the kitchen and pour a cup of
yesterday’s bitter coffee. With a little more effort,
we could make a fresh pot, one more worthy of the new day.

There are issues to be dealt with. Working
through these issues is a difficult brew than
sipping on grudges and gulpint down self-pity.
Our new day hardly has a chance when we greet it
in this manner.

We need to pour out what is old and acrid, start
anew and fill our cup with sweet serenity.

This is a new day given to me by my higher power. I will
let go of bitterness and seek serenity.

Mitzi Chandler from Gentle Reminders for co dependents

Self Pity reading by Mitzi Chandler

Do you ever get the blues? No, I give them!

Self-pity stifles. It’s like holding the brake down while trying to move forward, going nowhere fast.
A person stuck in this gear finds solace in making others suffer with them.
Self-pity is an attitude that makes growth impossible. Until we can accept that it isn’t what happened to us, but what we do about it, we will wallow in past grievances and create new ones each day.
We deserve better. Why be our own worst enemies? Why stay bogged down when there are better ways to deal with pain and disappointment?
It is scary to give up this defense and face what needs to be faces in ourselves, but it is better than singing the “Poor me Blues”.

I will stop dwelling on the misfortunes in my life and see what I can do about them.

Taken from Gentle Reminders for co-dependents

Sadness (reading from The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie)

Ultimately, to grieve our losses means to surrender to our feelings.
So many of us have lost so much, said so many good-byes, have been through so many changes. We may want to hold back the tides of change, not because the change isn’t good, but because we have had so much change, so much loss.
Sometimes, when we are in the midst of pain and grief, we become shortsighted, like members of a tribe described in the movie
Out of Africa.
“If you put them in priseon”, one character said, describignn this tribe, “they die”.
“Why/” asked another character. “Because they can’t grasp the idea that they’ll be let out one day. They thik it’s permanent, so they die.”

Now that you have stopped drinking

Now that you have stopped drinking, your
Main problem is not to start again. Here
Are a few practical tips, based on the
Experience of others, that should help make
This easier for you.
• Eat as much as you can. You will feel less likely to want a drink on a full stomach.
• If you do get a craving for a drink, this may simply be due to the body’s demand for liquid, which is often very strong. So drink plenty – provided it’s not alcohol. Fruit juices with glucose, tea or coffee with plenty of sugar will best satisfy your body’s need for plenty of liquid.
• Alcohol destroyed your limited supply of Vitamin B. Take plenty of vitamin tablets, especially those containing Vitamin B compound. They can be obtained without prescription, are not habit-forming and are quite harmless.
• A feeling of depression can be the result of being physically out of sorts. Keep your system regular.
• Never sit gazing into space with your mind a complete blank. Do something, anything positive.
• (a) Go for a walk; (b) Take a bath; (c) Having a shave; (d) Do a bit of gardening; (e) Clean your shoes; (f) Make a phone call etc, etc. Any of these will break the moody period.
• The phone is your surest link with AA help. Use it anytime. The person you contact may need your call as much as you do. So never hesitate to ring.
• Have a plan for your day. Don’t meddle through. You may not be able to carry it out but do your best.
• Easy does it. Alcoholics tend to try and do too much too quickly.
• First things first. Get your priorities sorted out, remembering always that sobriety takes precedence over everything else.
• Losing your temper is a luxury you can’t afford. Remember it’s even possible the other person could be right, so be tolerant and avoid emotional disturbance.
• There is no problem which a drink will not make bigger, so keep all yours down to their true size by staying sober.
• In times of difficulty when you can’t get the help, the Serenity Prayer said to your God as you understand Him will bring you sufficient confidence to cope. He is always available.

God grant me the Serenity to accept
The things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can, and
Wisdom to know the difference.

A Prayer for all seasons

A PRAYER FOR ALL SEASONS
God grant us the serenity to accept the things we
cannot change, Courage to change the things we can,
And wisdom to know the difference.
Twelve steps and twelve traditions pg 125

The power of this prayer is overwhelming in that its
Simple beauty parallels the AA Fellowship. There
Are times when I get stuck while reciting it, but if I
Examine the section which is troubling me, I find
The answer to my problem. The first time this hap-
pened I was scared, but now I use it as a valuable
tool. By accepting life as it is, I gain serenity. By
taking action, I gain courage and I thank God for
the ability to distinguish between those situations I
can work on, and those I must turn over. All that I
have now is a gift from God: my life, my usefulness,
my contentment, and this program. The serenity
enables me to continue walking forward.
Alcoholics Anonymous is the easier, softer way.

Taken from page 221
Daily Reflections reading for 31st July

Character defects (appropriate to recovery)

anger, hatred
anxiety – Not as a clinical diagnosis, but as a general way of viewing things with an eye toward what is wrong, what might be wrong, what has been wrong or what is going to be wrong. Excessive worry, especially about things I cannot change.
arrogance – Offensive display of superiority or self-importance; overbearing pride.
closed mindedness – Contempt prior to investigation. Disregarding things and ideas just because they are new and unknown. Being unwilling to try things or follow suggestions. Failing to remain teachable. Having a mind firmly unreceptive to new ideas or arguments.
dependency, over dependency, co dependency – Relying on others to provide for us what we ought to provide for ourselves. Feeling we must be in a relationship, or must hold on to others who want to move on. Letting others control us to an extreme due to our fear of being alone, abandoned, or independent.
depression, pessimism – Not as a clinical condition, but as a way to generally see the dark side of things.
dishonesty – Sins of omission and commission. Telling lies, hiding things, telling half truths or pretending something is so that isn’t. Withholding important information. Adding untrue details to stories and situations. Stealing, cheating, taking things that aren’t ours and that we aren’t entitled to.
controlling attitude toward people, places and things – Trying to control others by manipulation, bribery, punishment, withholding things or tricking them into acting as we wish, even when we believe it is in their best interest to do so. Failing to be equal partners with others and to consider their knowledge and opinions.
fear
gluttony, greed – Wanting and taking too much: food, sex, time, money, comfort, leisure, material possessions, attention, security. Acquiring things (material things, relationships, attention) at the expense of others.
gossiping – Speaking or writing about others in a negative manner, especially to get them in trouble or to feel superior to them and bond with someone else against the target of the gossip. When I find myself talking about someone, I must pause and check out why I am mentioning their name.
humility, a lack of humility – Feeling better than and worse than others, and being self centered.
impatience – Being frustrated by waiting, wanting often to be some time in the future, wanting something to change or improve rather than accepting it as it is.
intolerance – Not accepting people or things for who or what they are.
inventory taking, being judgmental – Noticing and listing, out loud or to ourselves, the faults of others.
jealousy and envy – Wanting what others have, feeling we don’t have enough or deserve more, wishing we had what others do instead of them. This applies to material possessions like houses, cars, money and such. It also applies to nonmaterial things like relationships, a nice family, children, parents, friends and partners, and fulfilling work relationships. We can envy others their looks and physical appearance, their talents and physical abilities or attributes such as thinness, tallness, sports ability or musical talent.
laziness, procrastination, sloth – Not doing as much as is reasonable for us to do. Putting things off repeatedly. Not carrying our own load as much as we are able. Letting others provide things for us that we ought to get for ourselves.
perfectionism – Expecting or demanding too much from ourselves or others. Treating things that aren’t perfect as not good enough. Not recognizing a good try or progress.
prejudice – Pre-judging people based on a group they belong to. Negative feelings about someone based on their religion, race, nationality, age, disability, sexual orientation, accent, politics, economic status, physical characteristics like height, weight, hair style, clothing style, physical fitness.
rationalization, minimizing and justifying, self-justification – Saying and/or believing I had good motives for bad behavior. Saying that I did bad things for good reasons, or that what I did really wasn’t that bad.
resentment – The feeling of displeasure or indignation at some act, remark, person, etc., regarded as causing injury or insult.
rigidity and fear of change
self centeredness, selfishness – Spending excessive time thinking about myself. Considering myself first in situations. Not having enough regard for others or thinking about how circumstances hurt or help others. Thinking about what I can get out of situations and people, what’s in it for me? Spending too much time considering my appearance, acquiring things for myself, pampering myself, indulging myself.
self pity

Detach with love

Detaching with Love——

Sometimes people we love do things
we don’t like or approve of.
We react. They react. Before long,
we’re all reacting to each other,
and the problem escalates.

When do we detach?
When we’re hooked into a reaction of anger,
fear, guilt, or shame.
When we get hooked into a power play,
an attempt to control or force others to do
something they don’t want to do.
When the way we’re reacting isn’t helping
the other person or solving the problem.
When the way we’re reacting is hurting us.

Often, it’s time to detach when detachment
appears to be the least likely,
or possible, thing to do.

The first step toward detachment
is understanding that reacting and
controlling don’t help.
The next step is getting peaceful,
getting centered and restoring our balance.

Take a walk.
Leave the room.
Go to a meeting.
Take a long, hot bath.
Call a friend.
Call on God.
Breathe deeply.
Find peace.
From that place of peace and centering
will emerge an answer, a solution.

Today,
I will surrender and trust that the answer is near.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990

Healing reading by Rokelle Lerner – Inner Child

Healing

Sometimes in the dark of night, the pain of
unhealed wounds wells up inside me. I resent
the past’s intrusion into my present, so I struggle
against the pain, pushing it deep within, in
the hope that I will bury it once and for all.
Unfortunately, the pain always returns. If the
painful memories come tonight, I will wrap
my arms around my little one within and hold
her close. I will tell her that she is safe with me,
that I understand her hurt as no one else
but God does, that I know she didn’t deserve
the grief she’s suffered. And I will reassure her
that I will be the loving, attentive parent she
never had. I visualize my innocent inner child
cradled in my arms and I let my healing love
flow from my body into hers. For her wounds are
mine, a trust from God on behalf of one
who cannot heal herself.