Claiming our feelings (Passive aggressive behaviour)

Claiming our Feelings
Passive Aggressive Behavior

by Madisyn Taylor

The way to end passive aggressive behavior on your part or others’ is with complete honesty and truth in any situation.

If you’ve ever found yourself repressing your anger and behaving in other ways to get your point across, you may be someone who is adept at engaging in passive-aggressive behavior. Although passive-aggressive behavior is recognized as a psychological disorder, it also describes the behavior that many people use to cope with confrontational situations. Such behavior has the outward appearance of being peaceful, yet it is really an attempt to express oneself in seemingly passive ways—usually without accepting responsibility for doing so. For example, someone who doesn’t want to attend an event with a partner might engage in behavior that causes them to be late or miss the event without ever admitting to their partner that they never wanted to go to the function at all. Procrastination, inefficiency, stubbornness, and sullenness are some of the many ways that anger can be expressed indirectly.

It is important not to judge ourselves when we engage in passive-aggressive behavior. You may want to consider that you are not owning your feelings or your expression by indirectly expressing yourself. Perhaps you are judging your feelings and needs as wrong—which is why you are expressing yourself indirectly. You also may be worried that others will judge you for feeling the way that you do. Remember that anger and every other emotion are never good or bad. They can, however, become toxic of you don’t express them in healthy and proactive ways. When we express ourselves directly, we are more likely to be heard by the other person. It also becomes easier for us to ask for and get what we want.

Once we learn to be honest with ourselves about our feelings, we can begin to directly express ourselves to others. By learning to express ourselves directly, we prevent misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and resentment from cropping up in our relationships. We also learn to communicate with others in healthy and productive ways. It is never too late to start working on ourselves and our behaviors, just take it one day at a time.

7 Steps for Overcoming Ego’s Hold on You by Saikumar Sela

Here are seven suggestions to help you transcend ingrained ideas of self-importance. All of these are designed to help prevent you from falsely identifying with the self-important ego.

1. Stop being offended.

The behavior of others isn’t a reason to be immobilized. That which offends you only weakens you. If you’re looking for occasions to be offended, you’ll find them at every turn. This is your ego at work convincing you that the world shouldn’t be the way it is. But you can become an appreciator of life and match up with the universal Spirit of Creation. You can’t reach the power of intention by being offended. By all means, act to eradicate the horrors of the world, which emanate from massive ego identification, but stay in peace. As A Course in Miracles reminds us: Peace is of God, you who are part of God are not at home except in his peace. Being is of God, you who are part of God are not at home except in his peace. Being offended creates the same destructive energy that offended you in the first place and leads to attack, counterattack, and war.

2. Let go of your need to win.

Ego loves to divide us up into winners and losers. The pursuit of winning is a surefire means to avoid conscious contact with intention. Why? Because ultimately, winning is impossible all of the time. Someone out there will be faster, luckier, younger, stronger, and smarter-and back you’ll go to feeling worthless and insignificant.

You’re not your winnings or your victories. You may enjoy competing, and have fun in a world where winning is everything, but you don’t have to be there in your thoughts. There are no losers in a world where we all share the same energy source. All you can say on a given day is that you performed at a certain level in comparison to the levels of others on that day. But today is another day, with other competitors and new circumstances to consider. You’re still the infinite presence in a body that’s another day (or decade) older. Let go of needing to win by not agreeing that the opposite of winning is losing. That’s ego’s fear. If your body isn’t performing in a winning fashion on this day, it simply doesn’t matter when you aren’t identifying exclusively with your ego. Be the observer, noticing and enjoying it all without needing to win a trophy. Be at peace, and match up with the energy of intention. And ironically, although you’ll hardly notice it, more of those victories will show up in your life as you pursue them less.

3. Let go of your need to be right.

Ego is the source of a lot of conflict and dissension because it pushes you in the direction of making other people wrong. When you’re hostile, you’ve disconnected from the power of intention. The creative Spirit is kind, loving, and receptive; and free of anger, resentment, or bitterness. Letting go of your need to be right in your discussions and relationships is like saying to ego, I’m not a slave to you. I want to embrace kindness, and I reject your need to be right. In fact, I’m going to offer this person a chance to feel better by saying that she’s right, and thank her for pointing me in the direction of truth.

When you let go of the need to be right, you’re able to strengthen your connection to the power of intention. But keep in mind that ego is a determined combatant. I’ve seen people end otherwise beautiful relationships by sticking to their need to be right. I urge you to let go of this ego-driven need to be right by stopping yourself in the middle of an argument and asking yourself, Do I want to be right or be happy? When you choose the happy, loving, spiritual mood, your connection to intention is strengthened. These moments ultimately expand your new connection to the power of intention. The universal Source will begin to collaborate with you in creating the life you were intended to live.

4. Let go of your need to be superior.

True nobility isn’t about being better than someone else. It’s about being better than you used to be. Stay focused on your growth, with a constant awareness that no one on this planet is any better than anyone else. We all emanate from the same creative life force. We all have a mission to realize our intended essence; all that we need to fulfill our destiny is available to us. None of this is possible when you see yourself as superior to others. It’s an old saw, but nonetheless true: we are all equal in the eyes of God. Let go of your need to feel superior by seeing the unfolding of God in everyone. Don’t assess others on the basis of their appearance, achievements, possessions, and other indices of ego. When you project feelings of superiority that’s what you get back, leading to resentments and ultimately hostile feelings. These feelings become the vehicle that takes you farther away from intention. A Course in Miracles addresses this need to be special and superior: Special ness always makes comparisons. It is established by a lack seen in another, and maintained by searching for, and keeping clear in sight, all lacks it can perceive.

5. Let go of your need to have more.

The mantra of ego is more. It’s never satisfied. No matter how much you achieve or acquire, your ego will insist that it isn’t enough. You’ll find yourself in a perpetual state of striving, and eliminate the possibility of ever arriving. Yet in reality you’ve already arrived, and how you choose to use this present moment of your life is your choice. Ironically, when you stop needing more, more of what you desire seems to arrive in your life. Since you’re detached from the need for it, you find it easier to pass it along to others, because you realize how little you need in order to be satisfied and at peace.

The universal Source is content with itself, constantly expanding and creating new life, never trying to hold on to its creations for its own selfish means. It creates and lets go. As you let go of ego’s need to have more, you unify with that Source. You create, attract to yourself, and let it go, never demanding that more come your way. As an appreciator of all that shows up, you learn the powerful lesson St.Francis of Assisi taught:”…it is in giving that we receive.” By allowing abundance to flow to and through you, you match up with your Source and guarantee that this energy will continue to flow.

6. Let go of identifying yourself on the basis of your achievements.

This may be a difficult concept if you think you are your achievements. God writes all the music, God sings all the songs, God builds all the buildings, God is the source of all your achievements. I can hear your ego loudly protesting. Nevertheless, stay tuned to this idea. All emanates from Source! You and that Source are one! You’re not this body and its accomplishments. You are the observer. Notice it all; and be grateful for the abilities you’ve accumulated. But give all the credit to the power of intention, which brought you into existence and which you’re a materialized part of. The less you need to take credit for your achievements and the more connected you stay to the seven faces of intention, the more you’re free to achieve, and the more will show up for you. It’s when you attach yourself to those achievements and believe that you alone are doing all of those things that you leave the peace and the gratitude of your Source.

7. Let go of your reputation.

Your reputation is not located in you. It resides in the minds of others. Therefore, you have no control over it at all. If you speak to 30 people, you will have 30 reputations. Connecting to intention means listening to your heart and conducting yourself based on what your inner voice tells you is your purpose here. If you’re overly concerned with how you’re going to be perceived by everyone, then you’ve disconnected yourself from intention and allowed the opinions of others to guide you. This is your ego at work. It’s an illusion that stands between you and the power of intention. There’s nothing you can’t do, unless you disconnect from the power source and become convinced that your purpose is to prove to others how masterful and superior you are and spend your energy attempting to win a giant reputation among other egos. Do what you do because your inner voice always connected to and grateful to your Source-so directs you. Stay on purpose, detach from outcome, and take responsibility for what does reside in you: your character. Leave your reputation for others to debate; it has nothing to do with you. Or as a book title says: What You Think of Me Is None of My Business!

How to be miserable

If your aim is to be miserable most of the time, the following ten actions will help you reach that state of misery in record time:
1. Think only about yourself. Talk much about yourself. Include “I” as much as you can in every conversation.
2. Pay close attention to what people think and say about you.
3. Expect to be appreciated.
4. Cultivate suspicion, jealousy and envy.
5. Be sensitive to every sight insult. Never forgive a criticism.
6. Trust nobody but yourself.
7. Insist upon special consideration
8. Demand that everyone agree with your views and opinions on everything.
9. Shirk your duties and responsibilities if you can.
10. Do as little as possible for other people.

Do more

Do more than exist. LIVE
Do more than hear. LISTEN
Do more than agree. COOPERATE
Do more thank talk. COMMUNICATE
Do more than grow. BLOOM
Do more than spend. INVEST
Do more than think. CREATE
Do more than work. EXCEL
Do more than share. GIVE
Do more than decide. DISCERN
Do more than consider. COMMIT
Do more than forgive. FORGET
Do more than help. SERVE
Do more than coexist. RECONCILE
Do more than sing. WORSHIP
Do more thank think. PLAN
Do more than dream. DO
Do more than see. PERCEIVE
Do more than read. APPLY
Do more than receive. RECIPROCATE
Do more than choose. FOCUS
Do more than wish. BELIEVE
Do more than advise. HELP
Do more than speak. IMPART
Do more than encourage. INSPIRE
Do more than add. MULTIPLY
Do more than change. IMPROVE
Do more than reach. STRETCH
Do more than ponder. PRAY

Keep in mind by Clifford N Lazarus

Keep in mind:

The meek shall inherit the earth because the aggressive people of the world will trample their face into it!

Despite the Biblical decree, if you always turn the other cheek all you’ll end up with is a completely sore face.

To encourage positive and discourage offensive behavior:

• Do not reward behaviors in others that you wish to eliminate.

• Follow actor Alan Alda’s advice: “Be fair with others, but then keep after them until they’re fair with you.”

• Learn to speak up assertively.

• Do not reward unkind behavior from others.

• If someone treats you badly, say so – do not smile and pretend it’s okay.

Remember: Think well, act well, feel well, be well!

Copyright by Clifford N. Lazarus, Ph.D.

Don’t judge yourself for judging

Don’t Judge Yourself for Judging
Lency Spezzano

The tricky thing about judgment is that it is sticky. If you judge anyone about anything, you will manifest that same quality in yourself or in your life. Here’s a cute example.

While I was growing up I heard my mother speak negatively about her mother on only two occasions. Once, while she and I were waiting in the checkout line at the grocery store, she mentioned how her mother embarrassed her in such situations. “She never saw a stranger. She would just talk to anybody like she knew them.” The other embarrasment was that Grandma always had big round bright pink patches on her cheeks (it looked a bit like she used food coloring rather than rouge). Mom told me once that she hated that as a kid because she was afraid people would think Grandma was a tart.

Now that Mom is getting on in years herself, she talks to everyone, everywhere. She walks up and has long conversations with people in restaurants who are trying to eat their meals. She has special radar for ministers and their families, with whom she inerrably launches into the story about how she was a lingerie model before the war. And, of course, she sports highly rouged cheeks.

Yes, that’s right. We become exactly like our parents in all those ways we hated, and we will continue to be that way until we get out of denial about it and forgive them and ourselves.

Judgment is our only problem, the cause of our experience of separation. If we gave up judging, we would go straight to enlightenment.

We have guilt and self judgment that first started back when we separated from God and assumed that that must have hurt Him. Terrified that God will punish us, we sweep the guilt under the carpet through the use of denial and projection. But we can learn from our judgments on others if we can stop and recognize that they are the projections of our own negative beliefs about ourselves. If we weren’t judging others, how else could we recognize our projected self concepts, own them back and heal them?

Many times, when people are first learning about the concept of projection, they are willing to own back their projections, but then get stuck with guilt because they make themselves the bad guy. The ego is perfectly willing to shift the guilt back to you, as long as someone is still seen to be guilty.

It is that third step, the one that comes after recognizing a projection and owning it, that is a little more challenging, because to do it you must step out of the paradigm of guilt. You must be willing to turn that feeling of guilt over to the Holy Spirit (or whatever name you have for the aspect of God or Higher Self that reaches here into this world) to let it be taken away from you. If you can feel the guilt and offer it up, it will be taken and you will be freed of that self concept. You will also be helping those whom you have been projecting upon.

So don’t judge yourself for judging – just catch yourself, own it and turn it over. The movie that you see played out as your life can then become a fascinating revelation of the interesting beliefs you have about yourself that you are willing to be wrong about. When that movie has played out, and you see only innocence on every face you see, you will be free.

Lency Spezzano

Symptoms of inner peace

~ Symptoms of Inner Peace ~

A tendency to think and act spontaneously rather than on fears based
on past experiences
An unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment

A loss of interest in judging other people

A loss of interest in interpreting the actions of others

A loss of interest in conflict

A loss of the ability to worry

Frequent, overwhelming episodes of appreciation

Contented feelings of connectedness with others and nature

Frequent attacks of smiling

An increased susceptibility to the love extended by others as well
as the uncontrollable urge to extend it

Peace Pilgrim, 1908-1981

Just be you

Don’t date because you are desperate.
Don’t marry because you are miserable.
Don’t have kids because you think your genes are superior.
Don’t philander because you think you are irresistible.

Don’t associate with people you can’t trust.
Don’t cheat. Don’t lie. Don’t pretend.
Don’t dictate because you are smarter.
Don’t demand because you are stronger.

Don’t sleep around because you think you are old enough and know better.
Don’t hurt your kids because loving them is harder.
Don’t sell yourself, your family, or your ideals.
Don’t stagnate.

Don’t regress.
Don’t live in the past. Time can’t bring anything or anyone back.
Don’t put your life on hold for possibly Mr/Mrs Right.
Don’t throw your life away on absolutely Mr Wrong because your biological clock is ticking.

Learn a new skill.
Find a new friend.
Start a new career.
Sometimes, there is no race to be won. Only a price to be paid for some of life’s more hasty decisions.

To terminate your loneliness, reach out to the homeless.
To feed your nurturing instincts, care for the needy.
To fulfil your parenting fantasies, get a puppy.
Don’t bring another life into this world for all the wrong reasons.

To make yourself happy, pursue your passions and be the best of what you can be.
Simplify your life. Take away the clutter.
Get rid of destructive elements: abusive friends, nasty habits, and dangerous liaisons.
Don’t abandon your responsibilities but don’t overdose on duty.

Don’t live life recklessly without thought and feeling for your family.
Be true to yourself.
Don’t commit when you are not ready.
Don’t keep others waiting needlessly.

Go on that trip. Don’t postpone it.
Say those words. Don’t let the moment pass.
Do what you have to, even at society’s scorn.

Write poetry.
Love Deeply.
Walk barefoot.
Dance with wild abandon.
Cry at the movies.

Take care of yourself. Don’t wait for someone to take care of you.
You light up your life.
You drive yourself to your destination.
No one completes you – except YOU.

It is true that life does not get easier with age. It only gets more challenging.
Don’t be afraid.
Don’t lose your capacity to love.
Pursue your passions.

Live your dreams.
Don’t lose faith in your God.
Don’t grow old. Just grow YOU!

Connect with your Higher Self

Reconnect With Your Higher Self

Step 1
Forgive yourself and others. Do not hold on to the past. Realize that you don’t have to “forgive and forget”. You can still acknowledge that you or someone else did something “wrong” while at the same time forgiving. Non-forgiveness binds you energetically to the other person and your lower self/ego.

Step 2
Do a 7 Day Evaluation. Write down every time you engage in bad habits and negative energy (such as anger, doubt, fear, worry, discouragement, resentment, etc.) At the end of the evaluation, list what you consider to be your worst habits and momentum. Then resolve to go after them one by one and overcome them! Awareness begins the undoing – intention, determination and focus continues the dissolving of bad habits and negative momentum.

Step 3.
Identify and get rid of limiting beliefs. We all pick up limiting, false beliefs along the way which keep us from being all we can be. Those beliefs can even cause pain and suffering. Resolve to really look at the things you believe in and WHY you have the belief. Realize that no one is forcing you to believe anything and that beliefs are NOT a part of who you really are! Determine to keep an open mind and know that limiting beliefs are keeping you from fully connecting with your True Self. Clearly see that false beliefs are restricting you from experiencing all the goodness of life, as well as contributing to suffering and a sense of struggle in life. Determine to let them go!

Step 4.
Build Positive Momentum. Developing and maintaining positive momentum is essential on the spiritual path and will help you reconnect more fully with your Higher Self. Each day focus on one positive momentum you would like to work on and commit to integrating it throughout the day. For example: keeping your harmony, being more joyful, helping others, etc.

Step 5
Fill every day with gratitude. As you go through your day, regularly express your gratefulness for everything you can think of – the wonderful day, the beautiful flowers, the sunshine, your spouse, the smile on your child’s face, your family’s health, and on and on. Let gratitude fill your heart and you’ll be surprised to see what a difference this will make! Gratefulness opens the doorway to your True Self.

Step 6
Maintain Harmony.
Harmony is one of the major keys – if not THE major key – on the path to raising your consciousness and reuniting with your Higher Self. Harmony is an internal quality springing from the heart and not just an external expression. Harmony involves mastering your emotions and not letting them control you. State your clear intention to be centered in Harmony and to be harmonious in every situation you meet. Keep centered in the heart as much as possible and focus on peace and harmony.

Step 7
Practice Non-Reaction.
Reacting negatively to situations destroys harmony. Realize that in every situation you can choose to react in a positive way or a negative way – that’s up to you. There is always a split second before you react to something where you DO have a choice. Even if you react in a negative way initially, you have the choice to continue to react and revolve the situation, or to let it go! Diffuse a negative reaction by centering in your heart and breathing deeply. This will help connect you with your Higher Self.

Step 8
Learn to stay neutral.
Neutral is a powerful state of emotional balance and inner quiet and peace. It is a place of equilibrium where you are more able to access the wisdom of your Higher Self. Learning to stay neutral is a key to becoming non-reactive to situations. Being neutral is not a state of not feeling anything, but rather a state where you are in balance with your emotional responses to what is happening – neither reacting negatively or becoming overly excited.

Step 9
Live in the moment.
Much of suffering comes from not living in the now. Our minds are unbelievably powerful when focused, but most of that power is lost by not living in the moment. The Present is where your power is! Most importantly, you can only connect with your Higher Self when you are in the present. Learn to let go of the past, projecting into the future, worrying and anything else that takes you away from the present moment. Peace is in the now!

Step 10
One of the most important things we can do to reconnect with our Higher Self is to surrender – let go of that which causes us pain, suffering, unhappiness, and limitation. As long as we are primarily operating from our lower self/ego, we are unfortunately tying ourselves to those very things. When negative emotions arise, the key is to immediately surrender them to God/the Universal. If you find yourself reluctant to surrender something or find you are still revolving the same thing over and over along with the negative emotions, you need to ask yourself why – what is the payoff? What is the “juice” the lower self is feeding on? (“poor me”, “look how I was wronged”, etc.) Realize that whatever the ego is holding on to, it will continue to cause you grief and suffering until you are willing to surrender it completely! Remember – you have a choice – to continue to hold on to negative emotions and suffering – or to surrender them and as a result, find more happiness and peace in your life.

Step 11
Let go.
Realize that we cannot control everything and the events in our life through the human self. Sometimes it is necessary to “let go and let God”. Letting go involves surrendering yourself (and your ego!) to a higher force, and the ego does not like that at all. As you connect more and more to your Higher Self, surrendering and letting go becomes less difficult. Letting go also means surrendering fears, worries and insecurities and trusting God/the Universe that everything will work out.

Step 12
Meditation is essential on the spiritual path. If you are to connect with your Higher Self, you must be able to still the mind through meditation. Through that inner quietness, you can then learn to listen to the “still, small voice within” of your True Self. Meditation is a key which can open the door to higher perception, unlocking the perfect wisdom in your very own heart! Through quieting the mind and focusing your attention, you will allow your own innate inner wisdom to flow into your awareness.

The four universal healing salves

The four universal healing salves.

In many shamanic societies, if you came to a shaman or medicine person complaining of being disheartened, dispirited, or depressed, they would ask one of four questions.

When did you stop dancing?

When did you stop singing?

When did you stop being enchanted by stories?

When did you stop finding comfort in the sweet territory of silence?

Where we have stopped dancing, singing, being enchanted by stories, or finding comfort in silence is where we have experienced the loss of soul.

Dancing, singing, storytelling, and silence are the four universal healing salves.

~ The Four-Fold Way: Walking the Paths of the Warrior, Healer, Teacher and Visionary