We have all heard the instructions of an airline attendant reminding us to put on our own oxygen mask before we help anyone else with theirs. This advice is often cited as a metaphor for self-care because it so accurately expresses why it is important. It seems to say, ironically, that if you can’t take care of yourself for yourself, do it for others. Few situations in our daily lives mimic the wake-up call of an air plane emergency, so it’s easy to keep putting self-care off-easy, that is, until we get sick, overwhelmed, or exhausted, and suddenly don’t have the energy to care for the people who count on us. That’s when we realize we haven’t been getting the oxygen we need to sustain ourselves. We begin to understand that taking care of ourselves is neither selfish nor indulgent; it’s just plain practical.

Putting yourself first means that it may be necessary to say no to someone else in order to say yes to yourself. For many of us, there is always something we feel we could be doing for someone else, and it helps to remember the oxygen metaphor. You can even encourage yourself by saying “I am caring for myself so that I am better able to care for others” or some other mantra that will encourage you. It also helps to remember that self-care doesn’t have to be composed of massively time-consuming acts. In fact, the best prescription for taking care of yourself is probably small, daily rituals; for example, taking one half-hour for yourself at the beginning and end of the day to meditate, journal, or just be. You might also transform the occasional daily shower or bath into a half-hour self-pampering session.

Whatever you decide, making some small gesture where you put yourself first every day will pay off in spades for you and the ones you love. The oxygen you need is all around you; sometimes you just need to be reminded to breathe

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Life has not always been kind and 11 years ago I had a heartbreaking personal tragedy that I struggled to recover from but never once did the thought of drinking enter my mind. This was a difficult time and together with this tragedy as well as other real life events that caused a lot of pain around the same time when both my mother and mother in law passed away within months of each other. I am so grateful to AA and My Higher Power that I got through these 3 events and feel like I have grown as a person and also have learned so much and am now able to help others in similar situations.

Today life is easy, more carefree and a lot simpler and I am the happiest I have ever been. I am grateful for all the things that have happened in my life (good and bad) and I am grateful for the opportunity I had in life to find AA as it has taught me all I know and how to cope with life (on life’s terms). The 12 steps are my guiding light in life and for anyone struggling at all, just remember there is always hope. Never loose hope and never stop believing you can do it. If I can, anyone can. x niki

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Don’t let criticism get you down. If someone is offering it and it
is constructive and meant well, try to take it, it will help you. In
order to help ourselves grow and make positive changes we some-
times have to listen to someone who genuinely cares for us. Even
if they say something negative, in a way it is a compliment for a
friend to be honest.

“If it’s painful for you to criticize your friends, you’re safe
in doing it, if you take the slightest pleasure in it, that’s the
time to hold your tongue.”
Alice Duer Miller

Pg 281
Come on, Get happy
365 ways to feel good

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Many people are committed to professions and personal endeavors they never consciously planned to pursue. They attribute the shape of their lives to circumstance, taking on roles they feel are tolerable. Each of us, however, has been blessed with a purpose. Your life’s work is the assemblage of activities that allows you to express your intelligence and creativity, live in accordance with your values, and experience the profound joy of simply being yourself. Unlike traditional work, which may demand more of you than you are willing to give, life’s work demands nothing but your intent and passion for that work. Yet no one is born with an understanding of the scope of their purpose. If you have drifted through life, you may feel directionless. Striving to discover your life’s work can help you realize your true potential and live a more authentic, driven life.

To make this discovery, you must consider your interests in the present and the passions that moved you in the past. You may have felt attracted to a certain discipline or profession throughout your young life only to have steered away from your aspirations upon reaching adulthood. Or you may be harboring an interest as of yet unexplored. Consider what calls to you and then narrow it down. If you want to work with your hands, ask yourself what work will allow you to do so. You may be able to refine your life’s work within the context of your current occupations. If you want to change the world, consider whether your skills and talents lend themselves to philanthropic work. Taking stock of your strengths, passions, beliefs, and values can help you refine your search for purpose if you don’t know where to begin. Additionally, in your daily meditation, ask the universe to clarify your life’s work by providing signs and be sure to pay attention.

Since life’s journey is one of evolution, you may need to redefine your direction on multiple occasions throughout your lifetime. For instance, being an amazing parent can be your life’s work strongly for 18 years, then perhaps you have different work to do. Your life’s work may not be something you are recognized or financially compensated for, such as parenting, a beloved hobby, or a variety of other activities typically deemed inconsequential. Your love for a pursuit, however, gives it meaning. You’ll know you have discovered your life’s work when you wake eager to face each day and you feel good about not only what you do but also who you are.

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Your dreams show you who you are. And that is very much worth knowing.

If you let them take hold of you, they will steadily pull you forward.
When you commit yourself to follow them, your dreams can bring out the
best of you.

Your dreams embody your highest hopes and visions. Through the eye of
your dreams you see a world in which you have made a powerful positive
difference.

Your dreams are not there to tease you with visions of what you do not
have.
Rather, your dreams truly show you, in a profound and intimate way,
what is most certainly possible for you.

Your dreams are yours for a reason, and much of that reason is to
entice you into living a life of purpose and fulfilment. Allow those
dreams to touch you deeply, and let them work their magic through you.

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There are scores of people in the world who seem to be magnets for calamity. They live their lives jumping from one difficult situation to the next, surrounded by unstable individuals. Some believe themselves victims of fate and decry a universe they regard as malevolent. Others view their chaotic circumstances as just punishments for some failing within. Yet, in truth, neither group has been fated or consigned to suffer. They are likely unconsciously drawing drama into their lives, attracting catastrophe through their choices, attitudes, and patterns of thought. Drama, however disastrous, can be exciting and stimulating. But the thrill of pandemonium eventually begins to frustrate the soul and drain the energy of all who embrace it. To halt this process, we must understand the root of our drama addiction, be aware of our reactions, and be willing to accept that a serene, joyful life need not be a boring one.

Many people, so used to living in the dramatic world they create, feel uncomfortable when confronted with the prospect of a lifetime of peace and contentment. The drama in their lives serves multiple purposes. Upset causes excitement, prompting the body to manufacture adrenaline, which produces a pleasurable surge of energy. For those seeking affection in the form of sympathy, drama forms the basis of their identity as a victim. And when drama is familial, many people believe they can avoid abandonment by continuing to play a key role in the established family dynamic. The addiction to drama is fed by the intensity of the feelings evoked during bouts of conflict, periods of uncertainty, and upheaval.

Understanding where the subconscious need for drama stems from is the key to addressing it effectively. Journaling can help you transfer this need from your mind onto a benign piece of paper. After repeated writing sessions, your feelings regarding the mayhem, hurt feelings, and confusion often associated with drama become clear. When you confront your emotional response to drama and the purpose it serves in your life, you can reject it. Each time you consciously choose not to take part in dramatic situations or associate with dramatic people, you create space in your inner being that is filled with a calm and tranquil stillness and becomes an asset in your quest to lead a more centred life.

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We all go through times when we wish we could press a fast-forward button and propel ourselves into the future and out of our current circumstances. Whether the situation we are facing is minor, or major such as the loss of a loved one, it is human nature to want to move away from pain and find comfort as soon as possible. Yet we all know deep down that we need to work through these experiences in a conscious fashion rather than bury our heads in the sand, because these are the times when we access important information about ourselves and life. The learning process may not be easy, but it is full of lessons that bring us wisdom we cannot find any other way.

The desire to press fast-forward can lead to escapism and denial, both of which only prolong our difficulties and in some cases make them worse. The more direct, clear, and courageous we are in the face of whatever we are dealing with, the more quickly we will move through the situation. Understanding this, we may begin to realize that trying to find the fast-forward button is really more akin to pressing pause. When we truly grasp that the only way out of any situation in which we find ourselves is to go through it, we stop looking for ways to escape and we start paying close attention to what is happening. We realize that we are exactly where we need to be. We remember that we are in this situation in order to learn something we need to know, and we can alleviate some of our pain with the awareness that there is a purpose to our suffering.

When you feel the urge to press the fast-forward button, remember that you are not alone; we all instinctively avoid pain. But in doing so, we often prolong our pain and delay important learning. As you choose to move forward in real time, know that in the long run, this is the least painful way to go.

Author Unknown (to me)

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Talk to themselves in positive and self-enhancing ways. They are able to find satisfaction in their successes and believe that success comes from action not luck
Take a break when stress starts to mount
Keep sight of the big picture and consider how their actions will impact others
Work hard on building strong communication skills
Accept others and themselves – warts and all
Balance time alone with being with others
Take the time to see the world through the eyes of others
Avoid reacting to situations impulsively or with anger; take the time to understand the situation so that they can respond with thoughtfulness, self-discipline and control; strive to achieve excellence, not perfection
Take the time to care for themselves physically, emotionally and spiritually; seek a balanced life that includes time for family, friends, leisure and pleasure
Set personal goals – both short-term and long-term; plan time and effort to achieve them.

Some of the obstacles to resilience are:

Negative expectations and scripts – after doing something well and successfully, one person will accept that the kudos are well earned while another will feel that they were just lucky
Choosing to be stressed out rather than stress hardy
Seeing life’s perspective in the narrow “me” lens
Poor communication
Judgmental thinking and non-acceptance of others
Isolation
Lack of compassion
Handling mistakes by overreacting, anger or by perfectionist all or nothing thinking
No discipline or self control so that thoughts and actions are arbitrary or impulsive
No self-care physically, emotionally and spiritually
Having no long-term or short-term goals

The Resilient Person
What does a resilient person look like? Common qualities of resilient people:

They seek ways to become independent
They take charge and make changes when life makes them unhappy
They learn from their experiences – good and bad
They find opportunities in a crisis and focus on solving problems
They are able to find meaning and purpose in the problems they face
They seek out people who support them and provide them with a good example of how to cope
They are able to laugh at themselves and find humour in their situation
They have the moral courage to do the right thing even if it makes them unpopular

A Call to Action and Self Education
The good news is that resilience can be learned. Here are some tips to make yourself better able to handle the demands and crises life holds for you.

Connect With Others – Maintaining good relationships with family and friends gives you a foundation in any and all of life’s curves. Seek out people who are supportive and respectful and take care to avoid those who are critical and controlling. Accepting help from others while having the ability to help yourself gives you a depth of contact in which you can get the support you need while, at the same time, getting fulfilment in helping others. Being part of a faith group can assist with your spiritual grounding and growth. Being part of a self-help group can give you emotional support.

Seeing Crises as Solvable Problems – You cannot change that fact that highly-stressful events happen but you can change how you interpret and respond to them. As one of the Emotional Intelligence components, self-discipline and self-control help us with predictability, consistency, openness, flexibility and spontaneity. Having short-term and long-term goals helps us to rewrite negative thoughts and put structure and control into our lives. Learning how to deal with negative feelings, which we all get, will help us to avoid lapses of judgment that prevent us from coping.

Accepting Oneself and Others – As Brooks and Goldstein wrote in “The Power of Resilience”, Contemporary Books, 2004, “Accepting implies possessing realistic expectations and goals, recognizing our strengths as well as our vulnerabilities, and leading an authentic, balanced life in which our behaviours are in accord with our values and goals.” People who are not authentic or balanced or whose lives do not reflect their values, experience increased stress and pressure. This discrepancy leads to a lack of integrity and a reduced possibility of a leading a fulfilling life.

This dichotomy can be illustrated by the person who says that his or her family is the most important thing in their life but who, in reality, spends very little time at home for meals, bedtime stories or family vacations. This person is only fooling him/herself as they live differently to his/her stated values.

Communicating Effectively – Communication is linked to empathy. To be an effective communicator, there must be an appreciation of verbal and non-verbal messages and our capacity for active listening. When we listen actively, we attempt to understand and validate, although not necessarily agree with, other people. Not being able to communicate with others leads to anger, conflict and increased stress with little in the way of resources for resilience.

Nurturing a Positive View of Yourself and Taking Care of Yourself Physically, Emotionally and Spiritually – To be able to roll with the punches, believing in yourself and your ability to cope puts you in good stead for the times that things go terribly wrong. Evaluate your strengths. You may be a good speaker but a lousy writer. You may handle big stress well but cannot handle small details. Figure out your strengths and top load yourself for success knowing what areas you are weak in and need help while focusing on those strengths.

Take care of yourself. Get eight hours of sleep a night. Eat three meals a day. Exercise. Cut down or cut out caffeine and smoking. Have a close, non-judgmental friend to share your ideas, hopes and dreams with. Laugh a lot. Feed your soul with activities that make your spirits soar be it painting, theatre, golf or reading. Get a pet – that way, some one will always be happy to see you come home!

Dealing Effectively With Mistakes – Resilient persons look at mistakes as experiences and opportunities for learning and growth. Even though they do not enjoy mistakes, they are not easily discouraged by them. People lacking resilience perceive mistakes as evidence that they are failures and lack intelligence. They make excuses, avoid, deny or blame others when a mistake occurs.

If you believe that you cannot learn from mistakes because there is nothing you can change from the experience, you will avoid challenges and resort to the earlier-mentioned counterproductive coping behaviours. As Brooks and Goldstein state in “The Power of Resilience” , supra – “The more you run from success, the less likely you are to experience success, and the greater probability you will continue down a path marked by insecurity, anger and sadness.”

Conclusion
Resilience can be learned and is well worth the effort. Self-awareness, reading books about the subject such as The Power of Resilience listed earlier, internet sites such as www.mooddisorderscanada.ca and googling the topic to search the internet can give you resources at your fingertips for help and education. If you feel weighed down with the burden of your life and the challenges it offers to you, struggle with anxiety or depression or are using alcohol or drugs to cope, consider getting professional help.

This article was originally contributed on Serenity and Support in 2005
For further information check out this Website : https://mdsc.ca/

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Hanging onto resentment in our hearts does not serve us in any way. Successfully divesting ourselves of resentful feelings can be difficult, however, because doing so forces us to mentally and emotionally confront the original source of anger. When we cease assigning blame, we realize that our need to hold someone or something responsible for our feelings has harmed us. We thought we were coping with our hurt when in fact we were holding onto that hurt with a vice grip. To release resentment, we must shift our attention from those we resent back toward ourselves by thinking of our own needs. Performing a short ceremony can help you quell resentful feelings by giving tangible form to your emotions. You may want to write down your feelings and then burn the paper and close your ceremony by wishing them well. When you can find compassion in your heart, you know you are on your way to healing.

Free of resentment, we have much more energy and attention to devote to our personal development. We can fill the spaces it left behind with unconditional acceptance and joy. And, as a result of our subsequent freedom from resentment, blessings can once again enter our lives as the walls we built to contain our anger have been demolished.

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Gratitude

Be grateful for the kindly friends that walk along your way,
Be grateful for the skies of blue that smile from day to day,
Be grateful for the health you own, the work you find to do,
For round about you there are men less fortunate than you.

Be grateful for the growing trees, the roses soon to bloom,
The tenderness of kindly hearts that shared your days of gloom,
Be grateful for the morning dew, the grass beneath your feet,
The soft caresses of your babes and all their laughter sweet.

Acquire the grateful habit, learn to see how blessed you are,
How much there is to gladden life, how little life to mar!
And what if rain shall fall to-day and you with grief are sad,
Be grateful that you can recall the joys that you have had.
Edgar Albert Guest

Useful Links, Further Reading on Gratitude

Printable Gratitude Worksheet
https://happiermindjournal.com/pages/printable

30 Day Gratitude Challenge (pdf)
https://www.rochester.edu/human-resources/wp-content/uploads/2020/11/Gratitude_30day_checklist.pdf

Osho on Gratitude

Osho on Gratitude

Gratitude Quotes
https://www.countryliving.com/life/g28564406/gratitude-quotes/

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